With the recent news hitting the airwaves of men being beaten severely and their manhood chopped off I am left to ask ‘What has gone wrong?’ I am one of those who never saw my mother and father fight, so there is little I can talk about a violent home. However, with these headlines I think we need to make some facts clear before we start the blame game.
When it comes to the issue of family I love to go back to God’s original Purpose of one and get to answer a few if not all, questions that rises in this area. What was God’s desire of the first family; Adam and Eve, and what were the things He wanted them to learn?
And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him
Allow me to break it down to three areas that I have over the years understood to be fundamental in any marriage and even now that I am married I am upholding them as I journey.
When God created Adam and Eve He did that with the desire that they would co-exist in harmony in achieving one purpose; God’s purpose. With the understanding of our different personalities He states the different roles in man and woman so that they not compete rather complement each other as one.
Therefore shall a man Leavehis father and mother, and shall Cleaveunto his wife: and they shall be One
A man’s role
- Leader Gen 3:17, Eph 5:21-24, 1 Cor 11:3
- The Provider and The protector I Tim 5:8, Col 3:19, 1 Peter 3:2
- Companion Eph 5:25-33, 1 Cor 7:2-5…………………..
The woman’s role
- Submissive Eph 5
- Home maker Titus 2
- Bearer and Nurture of life Genesis 3:16 & 20
- Helper Genesis 2:18
- To be respectful to the husband Eph 5……………..
These are but a few yet main roles that are not to be reversed in any way, when that happens the results are what we are seeing in our TV screens now. We are busy telling the next generation that they can be whatever they want yet they will end up exactly where we are now. As we grow into womanhood and as we are being prepared for marriage, its crucial to have the roles outlined.
It’s sad to say that we have allowed our young men to grow thinking that they will get it when they marry. They are brought up in an environment where they don’t see their fathers or mentors being any of these, rather they see lazy men, drunkard and dictators at home.
Pointing fingers to the media will not solve the already trending issue unless we choose to go back to the root point where it all went wrong and we start picking out the things that needs to go and those that needs to be emphasized on.
‘Miss independent, I can do it on my own, I am my own man’ talk is the root cause of some of the problems we are facing. Something I realized recently is that as women we rely more on Feelings and reasons, while men are to Facts and basis. Our roles suites our general personality so well, so when we end up playing the role of a man which needs facts we fail.
It is not a sin to relay on your feelings, its just how we are wired, its our way of seeing things and God created us that way for a reason. Our roles and our personality works so well, so don’t believe this talk that you can be your own man, its not in you to be a man.
Read Genesis 3:6, you will see what follows when Eve took in the leadership role and Adam the role of submission.
I believe God has outlined our roles to us clearly and we ought to go back to what scriptures say and consider the things we are showing our kids and allowing them to learn. For any single man or woman I pray you get to understand that your role is not on what the society says; because we have followed that and now we see the results, but on what God says, read His word.
Our roles are equal in value and different in function.
We learn that marriage was God’s original desire, so before we go any further we need to know that we are not the authors of marriages but God is. There is a way He intended it to be and we can still live under it if we choose to accept this fact.
Genesis 2:18 says ‘And the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.’From this you need to understand that man was first alone and then God saw that it wasn’t
good, so He instituted the union, not your parents not some weird celebrity not your friends, no one but God.
I am a believer of a good marriage foundation, because it determines if you will be killing each other or helping each other as you work through your differences and weakness.
A good house can be seen in its foundations, we are able to differentiate a house that we doubt will be able to stand the storm from the one we believe will make it past the storm just by looking at the foundation. The same is with marriage, you will tell how it will go by the foundations; what are the principles and values keeping it together? Who is guiding your marriage? Who are you seeking for help/advise?
One thing I told myself is that I won’t make my marriage be as per my parents’ standards but as per God’s standard. When God is the foundation then He is able to teach you guys how to be what He desires you to be in that home. I am not able to play all the roles God desires of me as a woman perfectly, to begin with I struggle in home making but because we have the Lord as our foundation I don’t see my husband beating me up because I am not perfect in that area.
There are things that are not automatic with my husband as well but I try as much as possible not to be him because I once tried that with our finances and I ended up allocating our money on things we wanted other than things we needed.
The foundation for every marriage is in God, the idea of marriage didn’t come from man but God. And I believe if this is made well understood then we will have less of the fighting and perverse acts we are seeing. The only thing that will determine whether you will make it or break each other’s bones is the foundation.
1 Corinthians 3:11’
For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ
You might have started off on the wrong truck but choose to allow Christ to rebuild your marriage and you will see how far your marriage will go. Seek God the author and initiator of marriage not your ancestral teachings.
I have shared on this topic here, not long ago and I will say it again the choices we make can destroy or build. You are who you are because of some choices you have made and I believe it also applies in getting a wife or a husband. God has given us the free will to choose whom we want to marry and no one drags anyone to marry someone they don’t want to.
In history I only know of one man who God choose for him a wife, Hosea, and this was to make an illustration to the people of Israel. So let us please stop thinking we should blame someone for the husband we are married to or the wives we have.
I despise the talk that ‘men from our county are lazy’, please!!! I know men, I have seen men who come from these claimed counties and they are neither drunkards nor lazy. They are well behaved, grounded and working hard to put food on the table for their family.
So before you speak doom, kindly recount your words and consider that it might just be the man you choose. If he is a drunkard please don’t think you will marry him and change him, if he sleeps all day dreaming about things he is not making any action/effort to achieve don’t think once you marry him you will boost his morale.
He is sleeping with you and he hasn’t even placed a marriage ring on your figure, he has made you so cheap. Truth is, we both know you are cheating on God. So don’t be shocked when he is unfaithful to you, because if you both can cheat on God what of each other?
The Bible says in Mathew 7:20,
‘Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them’ and I believe this is true, never sit there and believe you are marrying an angel. If you are dating someone who is all good, never angry, never disagreeing with you, always doing what you what, everything is yes and yes, he/she is playing you; flee as fast as you can.
Your marriage will be greatly affected by the man/woman you marry, never think or believe you can change someone only God changes people.
All we can do once we are married as Apostle Paul says in 1 Peter 3:1-2, to wives, is to be subject to our husband that if they don’t obey the word; not born again, they may be changed by our character and conversation.
It doesn’t say we change them by telling them what to do or what not to do but it says, its through your character and conversation they might be changed. That why as I share here, it is important to marry a godly man, one whose first priority is Christ. I believe its not easy to submit to a man who doesn’t love Christ because how then will he love you as Christ loves the church; unconditionally, if he himself doesn’t know Christ.
The change begins in making the right choice, understanding our roles in the family and building our marriages on godly foundations then we will start hearing less of what we have going on.
What will we do concerning our marriages? Even to those who desire a marriage what are the things you are going to carry into your marriage? Good marriage begins in godly choices and godly walk.